I am well aware of the fact that some of us have encountered a narcissistic personality in our lives. Those who are lucky enough not to have faced this tragedy know somebody who has. Someone obsessed with their appearance, achievements, and status. They make every conversation about themselves. Narcissists tend to make everything about themselves. Precisely, they are all about “I, Me, Myself”.
However, not all narcissists present with these traits overtly. Some wear a mask of charm, affection, and generosity. These are commonly Communal Narcissists.
The narcissistic individual I came across was when I was an undergrad MBBS student, and the narcissistic individual was the leader of my clinical group. You can sense from here only that Communal Narcissists gain their sense of superiority by appearing kind, helpful, genuine, and selfless.
Unlike the conventional narcissist, Communal Narcissism is quite tricky to spot. Their need for admiration is not fed by flaunting their luxurious amenities or career winnings but by how much they care about everyone in the community.
Confused much? I know. Superficially, these people appear considerate of others, helping a friend in need, volunteering at NGOs for the general well-being of society, or a family member who sacrifices their dreams for the prosperity of the rest of the family.
Don’t be fooled, however. Beneath this altruistic mask lies the typical narcissistic desire for validation and power.
It’s pivotal that you protect yourself from being emotionally manipulated by a Communal Narcissist. How to do so? No worries, guys. Your very own Psychiatrist is here to guide you. We will break down a few subtle but clear signs that will help you identify a Communal Narcissist in your social circle.
1. They do good deeds to be in the spotlight
It’s always nice to help others. But here lies the main difference. Those who help with pure intentions don’t need a standing ovation. Communal Narcissists, on the other hand, always need admiration for even the tiniest contribution they make to the wellness of people.
You will always see their charity posts on social media, accompanied by humble-brag captions. If they ever happen to help you out in a tough situation, don’t be surprised if they remind you of this “favor” a hundred times. To gain sympathy, you will find them comparing their “sacrifices” with how little other people do for them or how thankless they are.
Basically, the motive isn’t kindness, it’s fame. Without attention, they feel insignificant.
Red Flag to watch out for: Do they seem anxious until someone applauds their generosity? Do they subtly humiliate others by pointing out how much they “do for people?”
2. Morality is their Weapon.
The Communal Narcissist I interacted with for a good 4 years thrived on being seen as the most “caring” or “ethical” person in the room. The truth is that it is just an act; it is not their true value. They often put on this act to make others feel inferior. For instance:
- A family member may repeatedly highlight the “sacrifices” they have made as leverage to force you to act in a way they want, such as, “Can’t you do this little thing for me after all I have done for you?”.
- A colleague who does volunteer work once a week might taunt you for not “serving the community back”.
- A friend who pretends to donate to a “good cause” might constantly flex that you are so “blessed” to have them.
For a Communal Narcissist, it is never about true compassion-it’s about moral superiority that they use as a weapon. They pretend to be selfless to guilt-trip others and feel better about themselves.
Reg Flag to watch out for: Communal Narcissists usually paint disagreements as a lack of morality at your end, instead of a difference of perspectives.
3. They always have an Ulterior Motive.
If you ever need a friend, you will definitely find a Communal Narcissist by your side. Sure, they will offer you support to the best of their capacity, but don’t mistake their “favor” for “true friendship”. The favor always comes at a cost. Sooner or later, they will cash in that “favor” to gain control, loyalty, or leverage.
They will not miss a single chance to remind you of that one time they helped you out of a crisis if you ever dare to say no to them. They could also use your thankfulness to force you into doing things you are not comfortable with.
Whenever genuine people help you out of a tough situation, they don’t expect you to repay them. On the other hand, Communal Narcissists use every good deed as an opportunity for future control.
Reg Flag to watch out for: When you have a Communal Narcissist in your social circle, you feel obligated and indebted in their presence, even though you would have hardly ever asked for help.
4. They have a Savior Complex.
Communal Narcissists love being the savior in every situation. Whether resolving conflicts, offering relationship advice, or taking charge during a crisis, they rush to be the rescuer. They want to be seen as the indispensable hero no matter what the matter is.
Initially, they seem to be an angel in disguise. You have somebody trustworthy to count on. With the passage of time, you observe the pattern. They throw themselves into the problems where they are not even needed. They create solutions that prioritize themselves instead of those who actually need help.
What’s the thought process behind it? A Communal Narcissist wants to stay in the spotlight and wishes that others remain dependent on them. If people stop relying on them, they lose their source of validation.
Red Flag to watch out for: They tend to create drama out of every minor matter and then swoop in to become the superhero. They then boast about how things would be so much worse if they hadn’t managed things in due time.
5. They treat relationships like PR Campaigns.
Communal Narcissists never have any real connections; it’s all a superficial facadebecause the only purpose these relationships serve them is to maintain their social reputation. Family, friends, and colleagues play a role like a prop in their life storyof being a highly sensitive, caring, and trustworthy individual.
For this very reason, communal narcissists seem to have two separate identities, charming in public but dismissive in private. They will pretend as if you are the most important person in their lives in front of others, but they will not hesitate to trash you like garbage when alone.
Red Flag to watch out for: Are they kind towards you only when somebody is watching? Or do they care more about being “seen” as a decent human being rather than actually being one?
The question is, what to do when dealing with a Communal Narcissist?
The game isn’t over when you have identified a Communal Narcissist in your social circle. The actual battle is to get rid of them and their facade. To face the real challenge, you need to protect your energy and set some boundaries. I will briefly walk you through a few ways you can do it.
i. Words can be faked, but not the patterns, so observe.
Communal Narcissists are masters of wordplay. Notice how they make you feel, not what they say to you. If you feel exhausted, guilty, and pressured, that is your clue.
ii. Don’t over-validate them.
You don’t need to satisfy a Communal Narcissist’s ego by constantly praising them for every little thing they do. Sure, you can applaud when it is genuinely needed, but not around the clock.
iii. Emotional dependence is dangerous.
If there is one chunk of major advice that I would like to give you, it would be to not make a Communal Narcissist your only source of support. They literally exploit it. Speaking from personal experience, it is a disaster! Build a strong and diverse friend circle so that you don’t have to depend upon them for love and attention.
iv. Guard your Dignity.
Always remember that their behavior speaks volumes about their insecurities, and it has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t define your worth. Don’t let their guilt-tripping tactics make you feel inferior.
v. Limit your interaction.
Setting boundaries infuriates the narcissists, but it is extremely essential for your peace of mind. If you don’t need their help and they insist on jumping in to “save” you, be steadfast and refuse gently.
Why is it important to recognize Communal Narcissism, though?
Communal Narcissists are hard to spot because they slip under the radar as they appear generous and caring amid our social circle. We tend to think of a narcissist as arrogant, self-absorbed, and grandiose. Therefore, we often miss this kind. They appear to be a selfless colleague, an admired social worker, a sincere friend, and a generous family member.
Despite that, the destruction their attitude can cause is equivalent to that of other narcissistic types.
By understanding the subtle signs of Communal Narcissism, you won’t fall prey to their generosity trap. You can protect your boundaries and build relationships based on mutual effort and respect rather than “favors” and “Facade”.
Crux of the matter
It is crucial not to mistake true generosity or a person of morals with a narcissist. I made this mistake for quite some time after having to deal with a Communal Narcissist myself. There are honest people out there who extend a supportive hand without desiring the spotlight.
However, if someone turns generosity into an act, uses moral values as a weapon, makes you feel indebted, or forces you to glorify their good deeds, chances are you have encountered a Communal Narcissist.
But guess what? Awareness is your best defense!
Once you catch these patterns, you can best avoid them, safely step away, and protect your emotional well-being.
Talia Siddiq, is a qualified MBBS doctor and she is doing specialization in psychology. She has a good experience of working with people suffering from mental issues. She has written extensively on most common yet unattended issues faced by the youth such as psychological issues, relationship problems, self-harm, addictions, career counseling, financial freedom etc.
