Divorcing a covert narcissist is far more challenging than divorcing a normal individual. The only thing harder than being married to a covert narcissist is to divorce one. If you intend to divorce a covert narcissist, I can only wish you luck, and pray may God be with you.
Divorcing a covert narcissist is not a fair fight, and you need to be extremely courageous to go through the whole process. It involves a lot of lies, blame games, self-victimizing, manipulation, gaslighting, and whatnot. My next piece of advice to you would be to buckle up, strengthen your nerves, put on an “I don’t give a sh** attitude, set your boundaries straight, stand firm on your ground, and fasten your seat belt for a mind-boggling, ugly fight!
It is not an easy deal to divorce a covert narcissist. Some people can only get so far before fear takes control of their guts, or they get intimidated by a covert narcissist’s mind games. Some get burnt out during the process and eventually step down. However, a narcissistic partner never gets tired of torturing you. Their soul thrives on driving you nuts, on “winning” from you, proving you wrong in front of friends and family, and seeing you suffer for daring to get into the battleground against them.
While divorcing a covert narcissist, you need to keep a few things in mind:
- Narcissists don’t “get over it”. They may move on in life with a new partner, or a baby, or may even move out of town, but they will always try to make attempts to get back at you.
- When you are divorcing a covert narcissist, know that your partner will use your kids as pawns. They will try to get you to back off by hurting your relationship with your children.
- Covert narcissists create a lot of drama. Their need to survive on drama means that you should be ready for a high-conflict, dirty divorce procedure. They do this by using the tactics mentioned above.
- A narcissistic partner doesn’t know the meaning of “resolution”. That’s because they fail to recognize that the other person has a basic right to put forth their point of view, and there can be multiple ways to solve a problem. They don’t believe in resolution. They just know how to create a mountain out of a molehill.
Having said that, let’s move on to discussing a couple of advantages of divorcing a covert narcissist, in case you are successful in doing so.
You allow yourself to feel your emotions and grief
You are no longer holding onto the thoughts that used to keep you safe. Once you let go of those thoughts, your grieving process begins. You allow yourself to accept whatever happened to you, you acknowledge it, and are willing to go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance).
You realize that grieving is important because if you don’t grieve, you will not be able to move past it. Divorcing a covert narcissist was a rollercoaster ride but you were still married to that person so it was a loss. You learn to endure all the emotions associated with grief as it brings you a step closer to reclaiming the happiness and peace you always deserved.
You no longer run away from your feelings. You go with the flow and embrace whatever emotions you feel.
TIP: Start a deep breathing exercise when anger or anxiety overwhelms you. It will help you stay calm when you are flooded with such emotions.
You feel lighter & focus on self-care
After divorcing a covert narcissist, you begin to feel lighter inside out. Deciding to keep no contact with your ex brings an immediate sense of relief. You didn’t know this earlier, but now you realize how much negativity this individual brought into your life. You breathe in peace, and you stop being in a constant state of anxiety. Your sleep cycle improves, and you might even lose some extra kgs, feeling lighter.
Along with feeling free after divorcing a covert narcissist, you begin to focus on prioritizing self-care. You choose your peace of mind above anything and everything. You stop giving a damn as to what others do, say, or even think about you. You direct your thoughts and energy into making your life better than ever before.
You begin to channel your focus into doing what benefits you, whether it is picking up a hobby you neglected, sparing time for yoga, or maybe hitting the gym more often. You feel free to make a choice that works best for you and dive right into it.
You forgive yourself and stop self-criticism
Forgiving yourself for whatever happened doesn’t mean it was okay to happen whatever happened. It is about forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made during the time of your marriage. Forgiveness is about letting go of the crap you endured and setting yourself free from the prison of rage and resentment. You also learn to forgive your abuser. It is an important step to take on the journey to recovery. You no longer allow it to have an impact on you and your life.
Divorcing a covert narcissist makes you realize that they made your life miserable. They made you feel so inadequate and worthless. After they are gone, you begin to notice all the seeds of negativity they sewed in the garden of your mind. You not only notice them, but you also begin to question yourself as to why you were watering the seeds of negativity and letting them grow. The fact that you start to question your inner critic is a step taken forward on the journey of self-love.
You become more confident and assertive
A covert narcissist uses different manipulation tactics to invalidate your statements and question your sanity. Once you break free from their captivity, you begin to set yourself free from the abusive spell. During your healing process, you question your inner voice as to why it has been so fragile. You start calming this critical voice down and begin to trust yourself with the decisions you take. At the same time, you think multiple times before deciding on major occurrences in your life.
You learn to say no to people and set clear boundaries with them. You no longer entertain any toxicity, negative energy, or sarcasm thrown at you. You develop a zero-tolerance policy towards such behavior and walk away from anyone who threatens your dignified self. As you regain control over your life, you become more conscious about staying in charge of who you are, and how you want certain relationships to be like. When you divorce a covert narcissist, you also divorce other unhealthy attachments that no longer serve any soulful purpose in your life.
Your physical, emotional, and mental health restores
When you are abused by a covert narcissistic partner, you develop physical symptoms such as anxiety, chronic depression, headaches, stomach upset, and body pains. You might also end up losing sleep due to narcissistic abuse, and get nightmares. You lose your ability to concentrate on day-to-day tasks and may experience memory loss, mainly short-term.
Alongside physical symptoms, you suffer mood swings accompanied by frustration and irritability. At times you may find yourself feeling emotionless, like a robot. You also experience depersonalization where it feels as if everything around you is inaccurate. These are just a few of a huge number of symptoms you develop while in a relationship with a covert narcissist.
As soon as you divorce a covert narcissist, your symptoms begin to disappear, one by one. Healing from narcissistic abuse is the toughest process. Surely, it can take months to years, but slowly and gradually you take control of your life. Your overall health improves, you develop a new perspective of seeing things, and become wiser over time.
Divorcing a covert narcissist can be a very nasty process. However, once you are out of it, you begin to visualize life from a completely different viewpoint. There is a huge spectrum of advantages of breaking up with a covert narcissist, I only discussed a couple of them.
I hope you realize how important is it to live your life the way you want to, not the way your narcissistic partner wants. It takes every ounce of blood and sweat to set free from the prison of a covert narcissist, but if you can do that, you are already halfway through the healing process.
There may be days when you feel like you are back to square 1, from where you started. On other days, you will feel ready to take the next step on your healing journey. Just be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to grieve, accept, and let go. Don’t rush anything. You need to believe in, and allow yourself to go through various phases of healing at your own pace. Be compassionate with yourself. Love yourself, and prioritize your happiness and mental peace above everything else.
Feel free to reach out if you get stuck anywhere on your journey towards healing after divorcing a covert narcissist.