My dear readers, hello again!
If you read my previous article, you would know how I talked about Overt Narcissists who appear to be bold, arrogant, and grandiose. On the contrary, Covert Narcissists don’t seem to be loud and boastful. They tend to work undercover. So technically, they are more dangerous and cunning than Overt Narcissists. The trickiest part is that their behaviors are so subtle that you hardly even notice unless you are in a deep mess.
Previously, we have discussed weird things Covert Narcissists do that make us question our sanity in general. Let’s make it a bit more specific by navigating through the weird things Covert Narcissists do in relationships that usually go unnoticed. These are the little patterns that leave you doubting yourself, feeling guilty for confronting them on their shortcomings, or whether you are doing “enough”.
1. They silently compete with you 24/7.
The Covert Narcissist I was friends with during my MBBS years would superficially appear to be so concerned and supportive towards me, unless I began to pay close attention. I started to see how everything was a silent competition for them. Let me tell you how:
I once told my friend how much the professor appreciated me when I submitted my assignment to him. My friend replied, “Wow, that’s great. My professor gave me bonus marks for the very same assignment”. Suddenly, your achievement seems smaller.
This weird thing Covert Narcissists do is extremely upsetting. Because when you genuinely share your happy moments with them, and expect them to reciprocate the same, they do the exact opposite. They don’t say it out loud, but deep down, you can smell competition in everything.
2. Soft Sabotage of your Success.
Of the many weird things Covert Narcissists do, this one is quite disturbing. As opposed to Overt Narcissists, who openly belittle you, Covert Narcissists take a polite approach. They will try to softly confuse you if you are going to start a new venture.
It’s never like, “Don’t do it”. It is always wrapped up in a concern for you. However, the outcome is the same. You continue to doubt your capabilities while they continue to be the “voice of reason”.
For instance, you wish to work on a new project of your interest. They will gently say something like, “Oh dear, I am just worried you will exhaust yourself”. It sounds so caring, right?
Well, no, not in reality. If you look at it closely, it is discouraging. It chips away at your self-confidence slowly and gradually.
3. Covert Narcissists mask Control with Kindness.
This weird thing Covert Narcissists do is almost paradoxical. They are masters at finding their most innocent victim. The one they can easily manipulate by offering gifts, help, and favors. Later on, these acts become leverage for them.
Let’s take an example. Your narcissistic friend drives you to work when your car suddenly breaks down. Sometime later, when you are unable to join them in their last-minute planned party, they guilt-trip you, saying things like, “After all that I have done for you, you can’t even spare an evening for me?”. And that leaves you feeling guilty and questioning yourself.
What looked like friendship and kindness to you was actually an act to control you. So heartbreaking, isn’t it?
4. They are the “Perpetual Victim”.
A complexly weird thing Covert Narcissists do is to play the victim to get everyone’s attention and sympathy. They will mostly seem to be unfortunate, misunderstood, or hurt by others. Pay close attention! It’s a Covert Narcissist’s way of thriving on victimhood.
I have an example to share with you. A sibling constantly shares their pain of how the family members make them feel excluded at your workplace. But you notice how they ignore other colleagues at work. When you try to point that out to correct them, they play the victim card and blame you for not understanding them like everybody else.
It’s highly toxic because you end up consoling them at all times, while they are willing to take no accountability for their behavior at all. https://psychcentral.com/health/covert-narcissist
5. The backhanded compliments hurt like hell.
Covert Narcissists are super clever. They will never insult you right in the face. Instead, they will pass backhanded compliments laced with nasty comments that will leave you distressed for hours.
Do you want to know how?
For instance, you are wearing a pretty red silk gown. They will compliment you like, “Wow, you look beautiful in this dress! It hides your belly fat so well”.
These so-called “compliments” are a common, weird thing Covert Narcissists do that sting you deep down, even if superficially you smile at them.
6. They ghost you while living in the same space.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who abruptly disappears, sulks, or begins to give you silent treatment? If yes, then let me assure you that it’s one of the weird things Covert Narcissists do to control you.
They punish you by denying you attention, affection, or any conversation without even telling you what you did wrong. Therefore, forcing you to chase them for reconciliation. You keep asking your partner what you did that pushed them away, and they keep telling you nothing. Ultimately, you apologize for something you don’t even understand.
It causes some next-level anxiety and makes you walk on eggshells.
7. Covert Narcissists weaponize Sensitivity.
It’s great to possess empathy, and it is essential to sustain healthy relationships. However, Covert Narcissists often weaponize sensitivity to control you.
Let me quote an example.
You tell your partner that you are too tired to go out for dinner tonight. They respond by accusing you of no longer valuing the relationship or that you don’t care about how they feel.
Because of this weird thing Covert Narcissists do, you get guilt-tripped into doing what they want. Your feelings and emotions don’t matter at all.
8. They manipulate and rewrite history.
Don’t you dare to underestimate the weird things Covert Narcissists do, as they have a way of retelling events in such a manipulative way that you end up questioning your own memory. This is exactly where gaslighting comes in.
Let’s say they promised to get groceries for the weekend, and you remind them of it. They suddenly twist the whole scenario and deny it straight up, saying that they didn’t hear what you said, as they were busy working. This rewriting of the whole new script makes you question your own thought process.
9. They drain energy with “Emotional Tests”.
I have a simple question. If somebody wants love or reassurance, why can’t they simply ask for it? Rather than playing mind games, simply say what they need, but Covert Narcissists will never ask for love directly. It will most likely hurt their self-esteem.
They will say things like:
- If our relationship really mattered to you, you would cancel your movie night and stay home with me.
- If I were important to you, you would skip work and be with me instead.
These constant love tests are energy draining and a mental fatigue, but you can’t quit because you need to keep proving your loyalty to them.
10. They wear a mask of Humility.
Let me reveal yet another weird thing Covert Narcissists do. They fake modesty like a pro! You will always find them downplaying whatever their achievements are, so that you can continuously feed their ego by reassuring them.
They will claim something like, “Oh dear God! Why did they give me this project? I am not that smart to handle it”.
You will reassure them with all your heart that they are brilliant and that nobody else was more suited to take up this project than they. Once again, they will be on cloud 9.
That’s their trick: They fish for praise but pretend as if they don’t want it.
How do these weird things Covert Narcissists do make you feel?
Living with a Covert Narcissist can make you:
- Feel guilty for setting boundaries or saying NO.
- Doubt your own reality.
- Feel exhausted, but you can’t figure out the exact reason.
- Give continuous explanations to avoid upsetting them.
- Reassure them constantly that you love them and are loyal to them.
Amid all of this, do you know what’s the worst part?
Despite doing everything in your capacity to keep a Covert Narcissist happy, you still feel guilty and selfish.
What to do if you found this article familiar?
While reading my write-up, if you thought about your partner all along, you are not alone. A lot of people recognize these narcissistic dynamics years later. But I can guide you on what can help.
- Be vigilant and notice the pattern early-Keep a journal of situations where things seem off.
- Set boundaries timely-Even minute ones (I can’t talk right now, I am in the middle of something important. Let’s get in touch tomorrow?)
- Don’t take the bait-They guilt-trip you for explanation. Don’t satisfy them, or else they will keep doing it repeatedly (I understand you are upset, but this is what I need as of now).
- Seek mental health support-Sharing your problem with trusted friends or a therapist will definitely help you clear your mind. You can always reach out to us via youthtabletalk.com. We are always available at our service.
Talia Siddiq, is a qualified MBBS doctor and she is doing specialization in psychology. She has a good experience of working with people suffering from mental issues. She has written extensively on most common yet unattended issues faced by the youth such as psychological issues, relationship problems, self-harm, addictions, career counseling, financial freedom etc.
