Do you know that almost 1 in 5 American people show signs of avoidant attachment issues? A lot of factors including upbringing style and coping mechanisms can lead someone to develop such patterns. Most of these signs are more obvious and come to surface when people hit their 20s.
What is Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment comes from deep rooted insecurity with a person’s emotional space that they tend to come off as ignorant and they seek relief by avoiding emotional conflict or any interaction. It’s when someone prefers being alone than communicating about their actual feelings. They withdraw from situations to avoid it.
How to tell if someone it avoidant?
If you sit back and think about people around you, do you see those signs? How can you tell if someone has avoidant attachment? Do you think you also have avoidant attachment issues or you know someone who has them? There are certain signs and factors. If you look at their patterns, you will be able to tell. And you can also help them resolve it.
My Experience with it
I can say this because I have had a very dear friend of mine who had avoidant attachment issues. My friendship with her got really complicated because of her behavior. Things went down the hill. But then I learnt about this behavior pattern. Let me share my experience with you.
I was 14 years old when I met her. I really admired her for her strength and independence. She seemed to hold everything together. I aspired to be like her. Over the time, I started feeling left out. I remember calling her to hang out with me and she started cancelling plans. One time, her parents had a huge fight. When I got to know about that, I tried to call her and be there for her. But she shut me out. She used to say she is fine and does not need any help. I could feel her getting emotionally distant over the time.
I was always fond of how she was able to face things in life. But there were times when she seemed to be really cold and distant. She would not be able to share her problems with anyone. She used to say that she can handle her sadness or troubles alone. It used to make me feel like she does not want to be my friend. She preferred to be alone than socializing with her friends. I used to overthink about what I had done wrong that has made her react like that. I would blame myself so much. Even though I never wanted her to feel alone, there came a time when I could not talk to her for days. She would be fine with it. And it always seemed like she did not care.
After some time, I learnt that she has a lot of things going on at her home. Her parents were both from working class. Her father wan an engineer and her mother was a doctor. They were hardly ever home. She was the only child. And even when her parents were home, they used to just ask her about her performance at school. They did not really talk to her about what’s going on in her life. She had no one to talk to since her childhood.
Moreover, Whenever she had a problem, her parents would just tell her to act strong and get it together. Instead of letting her feel her emotions and feeling safe. So she always felt insecure and vulnerable whenever she was asked to share her true feelings. Because of this she had developed avoidant attachment issues. I remember I used to take this personally. And it would hurt me because she started to seem so cold. But when I learned that a lot of people develop such attachment style growing up, I started to research more about it.
There are specific traits which I noticed in my friend’s behavior. You might also know these behaviors if you have someone in your life who seems “distant” to you.
Some Very Noticeable Signs
These are some of the significant behaviors you might notice
- Always saying they are okay when they are going through something
- Seem cold or distant when you try to approach them
- Get passive aggressive when they are vulnerable
- Never share their true feelings, especially when they are sad or scared
- Seem indifferent in serious situations
- Have a tough time opening up about how they feel
- Hyper-independence in relationships, so they never want to come off as “needy”
- Avoid expressing their desires, even in arguments
- Start “ghosting” you or ignoring you if you try to get close
Now, with those signs and patterns, I was struggling a lot when my friend’s behavior started to amplify. I used to feel like she does not like to be my friend and she does not want to talk to me. But soon I realized that this is how she had learned to cope with life. And she was hurting too even if she said she was fine. Someone who always seems to push everyone away when they are sad, they are called “rude”. But we need to understand that they are also hurting and they might need help.
Initially, it can be really hard to help someone who does not want to admit they want help. They might get angry and defensive too. And the relationship we have with such people becomes a collateral damage.
How can you help someone who is avoidant?
However, there are certain things you can do to change the relationship dynamics. It could be anyone -your parents, friends, siblings, your partner or even your fellows. If you see someone is having trouble in their life because of such issues, you can help them.
At first, you can try to make a conversation about the topic. Let them know that there are certain behavior patterns that people develop and they need to be addressed. If they are willing to talk about, you can tell them to get professional help too. It is not something that one has to live with. Behavior can be modified using therapy and other treatment approaches -such as mindfulness, communication skills and behavior therapy.
If they are consistent and seek good care, it can alter their response in everyday life. It will help them have better relationships and a better professional and personal life as well. There is a lot of stigma around mental health issues. People do not usually open up about it -let alone their relationship dynamics. But you can start taking an initiative. It could be someone you know who have avoidant relationships, or it could be you. The minute you talk about it, it gets better. If you have trouble seeking for a proper support system, you can look it up on internet to find therapy groups near your house -or join online groups.
So basically,
Relationships are a big chunk of our life -we as human beings thrive on socializing and love. If you keep it all inside, you won’t be able to hold it in together. And things like this can have risky outcomes later.
If this is something you can relate to, or you want to learn more about psychology, please check out our blog for more articles. And you can share them with your loved ones too.
FAQs
How to tell if someone has avoidant attachment issues?
There are signs and pattern of behavior that can help you understand if someone has such issues. Read more about it on our blog.
Can I help someone if they are emotionally avoidant?
You definitely can help. There is always a choice to get professional help on any matter related to mental health. Reach out if you recognize such behavior in yourself or in a loved one.
How to tell if I have avoidant attachment?
You can get more knowledge about the issue. You can also seek a mental health specialist, your counsellor or therapist to learn more. There are signs which you can point on once you know them.
What’s the psychology behind avoidant attachments?
Deep rooted abandonment issues and insecurity with feeling vulnerable can develop avoidant attachment issues. Learn more about it on our website to understand the psychology behind it.
How can avoidant attachment impact relationships?
Avoidant attachment can really have huge impact on relationships. These people seem cold or rude but deep down, they need the care. But without proper understanding, you can not deal with it. People often fail in emotional relationships in their life due to avoidant attachment issues.
