Did you know almost 20-25% people in the United States have avoidant attachment style. There are 85 million people in US, according to research -who suffer from it. It means there are more than 80 percent chances of you meeting someone who is avoidant or maybe you are that person. There are so many cases where people start pulling away from a serious relationship because they have avoidant attachment style. It can be due to several reasons. Their fear of commitment is deep rooted and they feel vulnerable. In this blog, we are going to discuss more about how people can pull away when they are avoidant. This might help you understand them better. There are several reasons according to psychology which lead to people pulling away from serious relationships. You might have faced such issue in your life as well.
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
An avoidant person is someone who pulls away whenever they feel like they are being emotionally vulnerable. It is not because they want to hurt someone. It is rather that they do it as an act of self-defense. These people, often seem cold and distant whenever they face emotions or infatuation. They are unable to express their true feelings either
With the advanced studies, a lot of information has come to surface about why such people pull away when relationships gets serious. I can also share my experience with it since I have faced that situation in my life.
Dealing with an Avoidant
My ex-boyfriend was an avoidant. I didn’t know that at that time. Every time he was having a hard time, I tried to comfort him and talk to him. But he always said that he is okay or will be okay. He was never open about his true feelings. Every time I tried getting close to him, he would shut me out. He would start ignoring me. I knew he was having trouble at university, with this class-fellows and often with his professors. There was also stuff he was dealing with at home. He was always honest. But if I tried to talk to him and be there for him, he would start making excuses to change the conversation.
7 Reasons Why Avoidants Pull Away from Serious Relationships
He seemed really off with his other friends. They used to hang out a lot but my boyfriend would skip these hangouts.
There was a time when we started to become official couple. And take our relationship more seriously. We wanted to be open about it with our family. But my boyfriend seemed like he did not want that.
There is deep psychology behind why people pull away from serious relationships or commitment in avoidant attachment issues. We are going to discuss 7 of them.
1. Confusion between love and avoidant style
They are confused between love and dependency. They feel like if they let someone in, they will be in some sort of danger. At that time, I felt like he didn’t love me or just wanted to break up. I felt like maybe he likes somebody else and does not want to date me. I knew he loved me and loved being with me, but there are something holding him back from being friendly with me. There were times when he seemed like he really cares. Other times, he seemed so distant and indifferent. There was something off about it. I just did not know what was happening.
2. Emotional Exhaustion
They have to face their emotions and it drains them mentally. They fear if they are open, they will be judged for it. There is deep rooted need to compassion, but poor parental upbringing, emotionally unavailable guardians can lead to people become avoidant.
3. Feeling Too Vulnerable
They fear being vulnerable because they are scared they will get hurt. So, to us, it seems like they do not care. But actually, they care a lot.
4. Processing Emotions
There is also difficulty with processing emotions. For most of us, love and friendships bring happiness. They comfort us. We feel our best with our family or loved ones. But for some people, it can feel like they are being controlled by other people. And so, it seems like mental pressure for them to open up and express themselves. 6-
5. Hyperindependence
There is need to be hyper independent in life, including relationships. They think they should always take care of everything on their own and need to be stronger.
6. Deep Rooter Emotional Indifference
Most often, upbringing style can also lead to avoidant attachment issues. When parents aren’t emotionally available for their kids, or they are always telling them to ‘toughen up’, it leads to child developing emotional indifference and hence avoidant nature.
7. Fear of Being Weak
We all want to be strong and independent at some point in our life. But there is a balance we need to keep. With avoidant attachment style, people often lose the sight of actual balance. They feel like they need to take care of themselves and be their own hero all the time. They feel like if they share their problems with other people, they will seem weak. So, there is need of hyper independence in them.
What to do if someone pulls away in a relationship?
If you know someone who has such patterns, you can help them and make your relationship better. Question is what can we do? It is not as easy. Because people do not understand it fully and some do not even care to listen.
- Communicate without Overwhelming
The first thing is to very calmly tell them how you feel and care about them. To tell them that their emotions are valid and they are safe with you. Do not come off as pushy. Simple, straightforward conversation is better understood by these people than story-based technique. You can tell them that you feel like you two can talk about some issues to make it better for both of you. That you are there for them and you understand. Making them realize that this is a safe space for you is the way to go.
- Make them feel seen and safe
There is another important thing that you can do. Instead of just telling them things, try to listen to what they have to say. Make them seem heard and understood. It will help your relationship.
- Consistency
You need to be consistent and start developing the habit of sharing your feelings and do small activities that help both of you.
Once they start trusting you and seeing that you actually care, you can also suggest them to take professional help for it. There are behavioral and communication therapies for people who have avoidant attachment style. Meditation and yoga also help. Consistency is the key.
If you know someone who has avoidant attachment style, please read more of our articles on our blog to learn more about it. So you can help them and you can save your relationship.
FAQs
Can I tell if someone has avoidant attachment style?
Yes, you definitely can. There are certain signs these people possess. You can read our blog for more information about how you can tell.
How can it affect my relationships?
Avoidant attachment can really have major effects on your relationship. It can lead to life changing experience. It is better to get help if you are dealing with it.
Can you help someone who has avoidant attachment style?
Yes, you can help them. There is a certain approach you need to have to help someone dealing with it. You can read more about it on our blog to help them.
Why people pull away from serious relationships?
There are few reasons of why people pull away from serious relationships if they have avoidant issues. Some of them have been mentioned in our article. Please check it out to learn more.
Does family upbringing make people pull away?
Yes, certain family upbringing can have someone to develop avoidant attachment style. They feel that their emotions are not valid. Please see the article to get more details about how you can tell if someone needs help with it.
