If you are a frequent book reader and have ever tried reading self-help books, then I am sure you would be aware of the books on narcissism. These books reveal the “truth” about narcissists-their blame games, victim card, gaslighting, love bombing, and ultra prox max level of manipulation.
On a serious note, these books are undoubtedly helpful. The terminology they use gives us insight into the havoc narcissistic individuals create in a relationship.
But let me tell you one thing: reality doesn’t always unfold like a clear-cut next chapter of the book. The actual encounters with a narcissist are often worse, messier, emotionally charged, or at times subtler. The books on narcissism usually mention certain toxic traits of narcissists as a checklist, but reality is not entirely the checklist.
So, it comes down to one major thing. What do these books on narcissism get absolutely correct, and where do they miss the mark? Let’s dive deeper into the article to unfold the clear picture!
What Books on Narcissism Get Right?
The Classic Traits of Narcissists
The majority of the books on narcissism talk about the hallmark features of Narcissism, such as:
- Manipulation
- Lack of empathy
- Gaslighting
- Love bombing
- Grandiosity
- Blame games
Anyone who has encountered a narcissistic personality must be aware of some of these terms, if not all. Coming across such terminologies feels like heaven! Finally, it all makes sense!
Gaslighting is a Weapon of Choice
If I were to highlight one thing that books on narcissism universally emphasize, it’s gaslighting. And they are undoubtedly correct.
Gaslighting is making you doubt your own statements, your memory, perception, and sanity. It is one of the most destructive traits of a narcissist. Survivors of narcissistic abuse usually describe it as a behavior that is majorly damaging to their nervous system.
The books capture this reality quite well: when someone keeps telling you “It’s all in your head” or “You are just imagining it”, or “It never happened”, it starts to mess with your brain until you believe it as they are describing it.
The Idealizing-Disregarding-Discarding Cycle
A romantic relationship with a narcissist often follows an energy-consuming cycle:
- Idealizing: This is usually the first stage, where you are love-bombed, showered with affection and care, and made to feel on cloud nine.
- Disregarding: This is the second stage, comprised of criticism, coldness, and silent treatment.
- Discarding: You are abruptly abandoned and replaced, often without explanation or accountability.
This vicious cycle is mentioned in almost every book on narcissism.
4. The Concealed Fragile Ego
The narcissists are nothing as they seem. They put on a show of grandiose exterior, but they are highly insecure individuals at the core. A lot of books on narcissism highlight this contradiction. That’s why even a minor inconvenience can cause a significant “narcissistic injury”.
It feels like a sigh of relief as the survivors of abuse read through the books on narcissism. They can connect the dots: “Oh! They were covering up their insecurities with a facade of grandiosity due to the fear of being exposed”.
Where Books on Narcissism Miss the Mark?
1. The Dichotomous Portrayal
Some books on narcissism paint a black and white picture of narcissists, either completely evil or extremely charming! However, that’s not true. Narcissism lies on a spectrum that these books usually miss. While this description may satisfy some survivors, they risk oversimplifying things.
In reality, narcissists aren’t always too evil or too good to be true. While they can be dramatic villains, they may also exhibit kindness or genuinely believe they love someone while inflicting harm at the same time.
Hence, narcissism exists on a spectrum, and this good-versus-evil narrative is not fully captured by the books on narcissism.
2. Overgeneralizing The Label
As you go on to read books on narcissism, you are inclined to see narcissists everywhere, be it your ex, your boss, or your next-door neighbor. However, not every selfish and self-centered person has a narcissistic personality disorder. It is different to have certain narcissistic traits in an individual and to have a full-blown NPD.
At times, books blur this line, creating confusion. However, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a separate psychiatric disorder as per the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM-5).
3. Ghosting Isn’t Always Possible
One of the several ways to cut off a narcissist, as per books on narcissism, suggests ghosting, i.e, no contact. Surely, this seems to be the most appropriate approach, but many times, it doesn’t seem possible.
What if the narcissistic person is your parent? Or a co-parent? Your boss? Is your sibling living under the same roof as you? In such cases, you require more tactful strategies, such as grey rocking or setting boundaries. Books that recommend “cutting them off” leave people more worried and stuck when doing so is not possible.
4. Healing Isn’t Always in a Linear Pattern
Books on narcissism suggest that when you understand the pattern of narcissistic abuse, it’s easy to break free. However, that’s not entirely true. Even when you do get out of it, it can get ugly. Survivors usually get what’s called Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It’s a psychiatric disorder characterized by:
- Hyperarousal
- Re-experiencing the situation/Nightmares
- Avoidance of the situations that remind them of the abuse.
The condition is then managed with psychotropics and psychotherapy.
Real-life healing is painful, messy, and complex, comprised of anger, grief, confusion, and even longing for the narcissist. Books fail to capture this complexity fully.
5. Cultural Blind Spots
The majority of the books on narcissism are written from a Western perspective. They may not take into consideration certain factors that shape family roles, gender expectations, and social hierarchies. For instance, in joint family systems where loyalty is paramount, cutting off ties with a narcissist is seen as unimaginable, especially if it’s a parent or a partner.
In such cases, books on narcissism fail to give adequate workable advice.
6. The Sentiments Books Can’t Capture
One of the greatest limitations of the books on narcissism is that they fail to replicate the emotional storm of real-life encounters. You can read about gaslighting as much as you wish, but going through it actually is one hell of an emotional turmoil. Books don’t cover the feelings of losing our sanity along the whole journey.
You may as well understand the Discard cycle theoretically, but reading can in no way prepare you for the gut punch of being abandoned out of the blue. Books can explain the “what and why”, but I am sure they fall short on the “how it makes you feel”.
Real-life survivors, including myself, can tell you for a fact that it felt like a fog. A constant state of second-guessing myself. I read through various books and scrolled through YouTube channels for clarity on what was going on. To a certain extent, I got an understanding of what narcissism was, but they still couldn’t capture the raw confusion of being trapped inside that hellhole.
Bridging The Gap Between Books & Reality
So, my dear friends, how can you all grasp the knowledge books on narcissism deliver while also identifying their limitations? Let me give you some insight!
1. Use Books as a Guide, Not Gospel
Consider books on narcissism as a guide or a road map. They highlight landmarks such as narcissistic tendencies, traits, behaviors, etc., that may help you to orient yourself. However, just like maps, they can’t teach you how to navigate every twist and turn of the terrain.
My real-life experience was quite different from what I came across in the books and on the internet. And that is completely okay. I navigated on my own, as I continued to discover more and more about narcissism along the way.
2. Pair Up Reading with Reflection
Talking from a personal experience, this is exactly what I did and succeeded. Whatever you read about narcissism, ask yourself, “Does this resonate with what I am going through anyhow?” and “How does it make me feel?”.
Note down your personal observations and experiences alongside your learning from the books on narcissism. It can help you see and fill in the blanks so that you may validate your own unique journey.
3. Ask For Support Beyond Books
While books can resonate with your situation, there is absolutely no substitute for psychotherapy, support groups, or trusted friends. Real-life healing requires real-life connection. I can safely say this today because I am eternally grateful to my best friend, who literally held my hand and walked the bitterest journey of my life until I found the love of my life and had my happily ever after.
4. Be Cautious of the Labels
In your life, my dear readers, you will come across some people who will hurt you, disappoint you, and break your heart, but that doesn’t mean each one of them is a narcissist. Please! For God’s sake. Don’t just go about labeling someone as a narcissist because they didn’t stand up to your expectations. However, just remember this one thing. Whether someone turns out to be a narcissist or not, your mental health matters.
Wrapping It Up
My friends, books on narcissism are powerful tools, indeed. They validate the survivors of abuse, lay out the framework, and shine light on manipulative dynamics that thrive in silence-especially when it comes to highlighting traits like love bombing, blame games, gaslighting, entitlement, self-absorption, and the victim card.
On the other hand, these books have blind spots as well. At times, they oversimplify, overgeneralize, or skip the cultural norms. They fail to capture the practical realities and emotional pain of real-life trauma.
The idea is to understand that truth lies somewhere in between. Books are there to guide us, but real-life scenarios teach us the nuances, contradictions, and messiness. If you find yourself engulfed in learning from these books, remember: They are not the final word. Your personal experience is!
Talia Siddiq, is a qualified MBBS doctor and she is doing specialization in psychology. She has a good experience of working with people suffering from mental issues. She has written extensively on most common yet unattended issues faced by the youth such as psychological issues, relationship problems, self-harm, addictions, career counseling, financial freedom etc.
