My sweet friends! Life is too short to surround yourself with people who drain your energy and put you down, and we humans are too smart to catch negative vibes. So if you find yourself confused, guilty for no apparent reason, or questioning your own judgment, you are most likely dealing with a Covert Narcissist.
Overt Narcissists are easily identifiable because they are flashy, loud, grandiose individuals, whereas Covert Narcissists manipulate you in a much subtler, quieter, and pretty weird way. The most fundamental principle they operate on is to make you second-guess yourself rather than drawing attention towards themselves.
Since Covert Narcissists are harder to spot and deal with, I decided to talk about several weird things Covert Narcissists do that often leave their victims feeling unsettled and doubting their sanity. But that’s not all. We will also discuss why they do what they do, so that it gets easier for you to identify these danger signs early and protect your mental well-being.
1. Silent treatment is their strongest Weapon.
One of the weird things Covert Narcissists do is to use silence as retaliation for anything they dislike about you. They will stop giving you attention, withdraw affection, and won’t respond to your calls or messages. Precisely, they will act as if you don’t even exist and will not even bother to explain their behavior.
The silent treatment I received used to push me to apologize even if I wasn’t wrong because it was pure torture. Back then, I didn’t know I was dealing with a Covert Narcissist.
The psychological approach behind it:
Silence is power, and a Covert Narcissist thrives on this. By giving a silent treatment, they are giving you a message that they control you. You feel worthless, and you desire to reconcile to regain your worth.
How to cope with it?
Never chase a Covert Narcissist when they give you the silent treatment. Recognize it as a manipulation tactic and focus on improving your self-esteem.
2. Hypersensitive to Criticism.
It’s human nature to get defensive when faced with criticism, but Covert Narcissists take it to another level altogether. For instance:
- They call you “toxic” when you disagree with them.
- Kind advice feels like a brutal attack on their ego.
- A casual argument can turn into them shutting down, sulking, making accusations, or even holding a grudge against you.
This extreme reaction is a pretty weird thing Covert Narcissists do because it shifts the focus from them to you. Suddenly, you are the culprit because you hurt them when in reality you were just giving genuine feedback and that affects your sanity.
The psychological approach behind it:
Always remember that Covert Narcissists have a very fragile ego. Any tiny hint of criticism, even if it is constructive and for their own good, will feel like a threat to them. Recognize that their exaggerated sensitivity serves as a shield against feelings of inadequacy.
How to cope with it?
You should not walk on eggshells. If a Covert Narcissist cannot handle constructive criticism, it is their problem, not yours. Stop worrying about it and do your own thing.
3. They are the victims in every story.
A signature tactic of Covert Narcissists is to play the victim card, especially when they get trapped in their own lies. However, they are so cunning that they can twist the story such that you become the culprit. Let me give you a few examples:
- If they misbehave with you, they will whine about how stressed they are.
- If they forget the anniversary, they will blame you for not reminding them, so it’s your fault.
- If their brutal words hurt a friend, they will spin the narrative such that they look like the wounded individual.
This is such a weird thing Covert Narcissists do that is so confusing. You start by expressing your disappointment to them, but somehow you end up consoling them.
The psychological approach behind it:
When they play the victim game, Covert Narcissists can deflect accountability. They ensure that they receive all the attention and sympathy, while you are left doubting whether your reaction was appropriate or not.
How to cope with it?
Don’t rush to comfort them when they play the victim and act innocent. Take a moment to step back and rewind the entire situation. Ask yourself, “Whose needs are being fulfilled every single time-mine or theirs?”
4. They ghost and then unghost as if nothing happened.
It’s an annoyingly weird thing Covert Narcissists do, where at one moment they are immensely devoted towards you. In the next moment, they will legit disappear without any explanation. After a couple of days or weeks, they will reappear as if they had never left. At that moment, they expect you to welcome them with arms wide open.
This bitter-sweet behavior keeps you captivated and them in control of you. When they abruptly ghost you, you wonder, “What did I do to push them away?”. You are stuck with the thoughts of hurting or wronging them.
The psychological approach behind it:
Covert Narcissists thrive on Power. Disappearing and reappearing out of the blue keeps you anxious and longing for them. By doing so, they can control the rhythm of the relationship and how it flows.
How to cope with it?
You need to believe the fact that they are not as naive as they pretend to be. In reality, they want to dominate the dynamics of the relationship, and therefore, they treat you as per their desires and not how you actually deserve to be treated. Hence, you need to understand this pattern and set boundaries accordingly.
5. Facade of Humbleness to gain Praise.
Have you ever met somebody who acts so humble that their humility astonishes everybody around them, and it impresses you, unless you begin to see between the lines? For instance:
- “You guys overestimate my intelligence. I am not that smart”. They wait for your reassurance after passing statements of this kind.
- “I don’t think I deserve this promotion.” They will repeatedly bring this up in random conversations.
- “Oh God! I am the worst at public speaking”. They will say things like this after delivering a flawless speech.
I totally hate this weird thing Covert Narcissists do. It is not genuine humility. It’s a silent way of tricking others into repeatedly feeding their ego.
The psychological approach behind it:
Covert Narcissists are empty from the inside, no matter what they superficially show to the world. This fake humility ensures they receive constant reassurance without having to ask for it.
How to cope with it?
Whenever you witness a Covert Narcissist passing statements of this sort about themselves, agree with them and then observe their reaction. They will literally get defensive or might even leave the conversation and disappear.
6. Masters of backhanded compliments that suck!
One of the weird things Covert Narcissists do is give backhanded compliments. At the start of a relationship, they appear to be very supportive and appreciative of what you do. Their compliments sound like:
- “Wow, you look nice today. Much better than usual”.
- “Impressive! I didn’t know you could perform this well”.
- “I wish I could be as carefree as you and get away with everything without having to worry so much”.
Apparently, these compliments are praises, but if you look at them closely, you will see how subtly they have humiliated you. And it is so subtle that it is barely noticeable.
The psychological approach behind it:
This is a common tactic used by Covert Narcissists called Negging. They thrive on your insecurities, but they won’t show it overtly so as not to push you away. By combining compliments with hidden criticism, Covert Narcissists keep you grounded.
How to cope with it?
I will tell you what I did when the Covert Narcissist in my Clinical Group did this to my sanity. I stopped paying attention to his comments. I didn’t self-doubt, and neither should you. You don’t need their approval to feel satisfied with yourself.
7. Conversations are twisted into subtle Power Plays.
Pay attention to how conversations with Covert Narcissists circle back to them. Even when you are feeling vulnerable and sharing something deeply, they somehow insert themselves into the conversation and turn it into a comparison. Let me give you a few situations:
- You: “I have been extremely stressed lately”.
- Them: “You think it’s just you who is stressed? Ask me how tough my life is”.
Or they might dismiss your feelings with dark humor. For instance:
- Them: “A person like you is actually stressed? That’s quite interesting”.
This is one of the very weird things Covert Narcissists do that make you feel unseen and unimportant. Gradually, it eats away at your confidence and makes you question your every experience.
The psychological approach behind it:
This approach is simply known as Conversational Hijacking. One thing that Covert Narcissists can’t tolerate is anyone else getting more attention than them, no matter the circumstances. Therefore, they redirect the spotlight to themselves anyhow.
How to cope with it?
Whenever you see that a Covert Narcissist is making a conversation about themselves, just change the subject or stop discussing any sensitive matters with them. In times of need, you need somebody to sympathize with you rather than making everything about themselves.
Reclaim your sanity, guys!
If you wish to reclaim your power, identifying these weird things Covert Narcissists do is the first step. Always remember that backhanded compliments are never really compliments, and fake humility is not real modesty. Also note that disappearing and reappearing out of the blue is not love by any means. It is a way to impose control over you.
Covert Narcissists make you doubt yourself, walk on eggshells, over-explain yourself, and make you feel like you are the troublemaker. Please don’t believe everything they say. The sooner you recognize these patterns, the earlier you can set your boundaries.
Here is the empowering truth: Once you see the game, you can always choose to quit playing!
Talia Siddiq, is a qualified MBBS doctor and she is doing specialization in psychology. She has a good experience of working with people suffering from mental issues. She has written extensively on most common yet unattended issues faced by the youth such as psychological issues, relationship problems, self-harm, addictions, career counseling, financial freedom etc.
