Decode the Lies: 7 Innocent-Sounding Phrases Covert Narcissists say in arguments to Break You Down

Who likes to bang their head on the wall? Arguing with Covert Narcissists is no different, it just breaks you down.

Hold on! This article’s real catch is decoding the seemingly harmless phrases Covert Narcissists say in arguments, but you can combat them with an insightful communication style this time.

• Psyche Of Covert Narcissists
• 7 Innocent-Sounding Phrases Covert Narcissists Say In Arguments To Break You Down
• Combating Covert Narcissists In Arguments

Psyche Of Covert Narcissists

The basic psychology of Narcissism talks about the grandiose, exhibitionist, chauvinist, and envious type of self-obsession all narcissists display. However, narcissists are further divided into various subtypes of narcissistic personalities. According to their position on the Narcissism Spectrum, Covert Narcissists may appear shy and introverted but they are highly manipulative individuals. Their self-centeredness is displayed via being reserved and cynical about everything.

Covert narcissists are often vulnerable and selfish and lack empathy for others, but their facade will often show you a confusing personality. It is crucial to understand that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has to be diagnosed under a psychological framework. Covert Narcissists and other subtypes of narcissists are merely based on the distinctive display of narcissistic behaviors.

A Research on “The Effects of Covert Narcissism on Chinese College Students Cyberbullying: The Mediation of Hostile Attribution Bias and the Moderation of Self-Control” states that Covert Narcissists often adapt passive-aggressive communication styles during arguments. When they face criticism and disregard of their feelings they express their anger very similarly to Overt Narcissists. Moreover, they often manipulate, guilt-trip, and tactfully argue to control others. This study explored Covert Narcissists’ hostile behavior in cyberbullying; their anonymous presence on the internet makes them subtly argue with others. They emotionally charge at others and validate their sense of control in personal conflicts. [1]

Let’s explore what the things Covert Narcissists say in arguments to their parents, family members, and colleagues.

7 Innocent-Sounding Phrases Covert Narcissists Say in Arguments to Break You Down

1. “You’re overthinking”

The subliminal things Covert Narcissists say in an argument to gaslight you is that you’re overanalysing it all. This statement is usually heard when the individual emphasizes some critical points. “You’re overthinking it” is not just a phrase but an attack on someone’s ability to think, the victim becomes gullible to self-doubt. The victim thinks maybe I’m at fault or exaggerating the issue but, it’s a Covert Narcissist’s tactic which they use to belittle the stance.

This phrase is also used by Covert Narcissists in an argument as; “it’s all in your head” or “You’re too sensitive”. They look for ways to gaslight your thought process and memories, it is indeed a challenge to argue with them.

“Don’t argue with a narcissist; that’s how they manipulate you, defending yourself and explaining yourself allows them to twist your words and play the victim; don’t fall into that trap.” ~ Carla Litto

2. “Look at the bigger picture”

This phrase falls into two categories, sometimes Covert Narcissists say this to love-bomb you, and other times they use this to minimize your concerns. Covert Narcissists often use love-bombing to instigate the argument, this is the reason why they hide deep-seated insecurities by highlighting the positive side. Covert Narcissists use this “bigger picture” or “bigger person” facade in an argument, to guilt-trip the next person. They lack empathy for others so their optimism in the middle of the argument is merely an innocent-sounding phrase.

While they flatter the person to let go or move on from the issues, beneath all this making-up exists minimizing their feelings. The victims won’t notice that by moving ahead they are actually giving up on their pain. Covert Narcissists repeat the cycle of abuse because they are remarkably foxy to always get away with it.

3. “If I were in your place”

Covert Narcissists may appear shy but they also carry the same superiority complex that overt Narcissists have. You’ll often catch Covert Narcissists saying this; “If I were in your place”, “I would react differently”, or “I would’ve never said that”. By saying these seemingly harmless phrases the Covert Narcissists try to shame or blame the next person. They want the victim to think maybe they went too far or they should’ve reacted differently. The things Covert Narcissists say in an argument are meant to trigger you and hurt your self-esteem. However, they will never accept it on their end no matter how below the belt they went.

“Never argue with a narcissist. They’re not interested in gaining an understanding or finding a resolution. They’re looking for control and to win at all costs at your expense.” ~ Elizabeth Shaw

4. “This is not my problem”

Covert Narcissists often shook off every accusation by saying; “Not my problem”, “Not my headache”, or “Not my concern”. These phrases are used by Covert Narcissists in an argument to impose their authority. Moreover, they react as if they don’t owe you an explanation. Covert Narcissists hate giving closure to grave matters. They act so barefaced that it is hard to get things under their notice.

An interesting thing is that Covert Narcissists are at times helpless as they inherit this care-free attitude from their parents. Their parents are emotionally absent caregivers, which in result turns Covert Narcissists emotionally unavailable for everyone. So, sometimes saying this phrase is to avoid responsibility and in other situations it could be projecting the absence of feelings. Arguing with an apathetic Covert Narcissist emotionally and psychologically drains you.

5. “Come with something logical next time”

This one snarky phrase is one of the most spiteful things Covert Narcissists say in an argument with a soft tone. Oftentimes to their timid persona, they are mistaken as nerds, people think Covert Narcissists are smart which is why they act reserved. However, this makes Covert Narcissists think that they’ve a higher command of intellect than the other person. When they are left with nothing to defend themselves, they start talking about the nature of the argument.

Covert Narcissists will react as your statement lacks logic and you’re failing to prove the points. Covert Narcissists mock their partners and loved ones for being too emotional which devalues their self-worth. It works like a personal attack, the victim feels that the base of their stances is logically weak. This may force them to quit arguing with the Covert Narcissists.

6. “I don’t know how people bear with you”

Another malicious thing Covert Narcissists say in an argument is to give a negative mental load to the other person. Covert Narcissists say this phrase to make other people feel uncomfortable that they may think of themselves as a burden on others. Covert Narcissists know how to seed insecurities in others, and are aware of how they tell you that you’re very difficult to get along with.

During arguments, Covert Narcissists often blame your social circle or even your family for turning you this way. This trick works when they’ve limited cards to play. You carry this mental load of being a problem for others lifelong. If you’re a feeler then it’ll be quite hard for you to discard this toxic phrase from your mind.

7. “You owe me an apology but.., anyway”

Well, this phrase often comes with a sneering tone. By saying this; “anyways” with a deep breath and shrugged shoulders, Covert Narcissists impose their entitlement while acting altruistic. You may become a prey to their altruistic masquerade but always remember that in the first place, they expect apologies from you. It often means walking on eggshells for them, no matter how many times you seek to sort it out they’ll always act like being the victim. Lastly, if you don’t say sorry then silent treatment and stonewalling are their next favorite things to do in an argument.

Unmasking the real face of Covert Narcissists in arguments is an abstract process. But by practicing the communication styles and other tips, you could handle an argument without turning it into a headache.

Healing From Covert Narcissistic Abuse

1.     Practice Assertiveness

You can practice the following statements to respond to the things Covert Narcissists say in an argument to break you down;

• “There’s nothing wrong with my memory, I remember the details.”
• “I can share screenshots, messages, or emails about what I precisely want to discuss.”
• “I am not being treated right, I deserve better than this.”
• “Be respectful to my stances, otherwise I’ll react in the same manner.”
• “I appreciate honesty.”
• “We are mutually suffering due to this argument.”
• “Don’t dictate my feelings, I know what to feel.”

2.     Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

Focus on your gestures and posture while arguing with Covert Narcissists.

• Maintaining eye contact with them, so they know you are speaking with certainty. Straight-up confident posture and to-the-point talks.

• Switch from “You” to “I” statements. Connect dots, and speak about how they made you feel.

3.     Seek Professional and Social Support

Seek social and professional support to keep your sanity in check and validate positive feelings.

Further exploring things Covert Narcissists say in an argument helps with identifying Covert Narcissists in other spheres of life.

If you want to know more about Covert Narcissists, then click here!