All of us know very well that there is one thing that covert narcissists love more than themselves, and that is an ARGUMENT! Their souls thrive on winning an argument by any means, and it gives them an ego boost and prevents their fragile ego from collapsing. There is a wide range of ridiculous things covert narcissists say in an argument ranging from enraging to shocking to shattering to downright insane. Consequently, you end up depressed, emotionally traumatised, and doubting everything you thought you knew about this person.
Talking from a personal experience, covert narcissists tend to be highly reactive and sensitive when someone confronts them with their shortcomings. They can lash at you, play blame games, act like a victim, or give you the silent treatment. Regardless, they can go to any extent to protect themselves from accusations.
I am a doctor, and I interact with many people daily, and I feel like I have become quite an expert in dealing with ridiculous things covert narcissists say in an argument. In this article, I will discuss a few such things and how you can deal with them without losing your patience and peace of mind.
1.Don’t start again
You may ask your partner to run a little errand for you; for example, buy a book you need to prepare for your exam or get a grocery item you need to make a dish, and they constantly keep delaying it for no good reason. When you question them, they blow off and blame you for starting the fight!
2.I would cross oceans for you!
You must have heard your better half promising that they would do anything for you, but that is to prevent you from having an honest discussion about things that bother you. It is a love bombing tactic that they play on you. Or they would recount the times they gave you presents. They have a list of things they did for you in the past.
3.We will discuss this issue when you are not drunk
A common thing covert narcissists say in an argument is that they blame your drinking habit and they use it against you to win an argument. Even if you drink occasionally or over the weekends, they make you feel like you pick on fights, and you misunderstand things because you are drunk most of the time.
4.Can I not have my personal space?
I have a big friend circle, and I have a few friends who often complain that their partners don’t give them enough time, and when they complain about it, their partners accuse them of not wanting to have a social life. Rather than acknowledging that you want to spend time with your partner, they twist your words into something beyond what you meant. You end up apologising!
5.I have nothing to say to you
When arguing, you prove every point with solid evidence. You know you have conquered a Covert Narcissist, and victory seems inevitable. Guess what crazy things covert narcissists say in an argument to win it? They legit turn the tables and blame everything on you. Suddenly everything becomes your fault. You did that, so I did this. It is all because of you, so stop accusing me of your shortcomings!
6.You always emotionally blackmail me with your tears
No matter how much effort you invest in keeping your relationship alive, the moment you break down, you are called weak and emotionally unstable. At the same time, a Covert Narcissist gets happy seeing you in tears because it validates that they can control you. If you ever express how you feel, and God forbid your eyes to fill with tears, they accuse you of blackmailing them with “waterworks”.
7.Your friends have warned me about your behaviour already
A very dear friend of mine was highly disturbed a few days back because she thought her friends were putting her down and talking ill about her to her husband. Upon clarification, she figured it was all made up by her husband to gaslight her and break her friendships. She was hurt and asked me the possible reason behind this, and I told her clearly that her partner was a Covert Narcissist!
8.I thought you were different from others
Another category of hurtful things covert narcissists say in an argument to devalue you is making you feel ordinary so that you put in extra effort to feel special in his life. Although he was the one to approach you, flatter you, and make you feel like he found his soulmate in you and when he finally trapped you, you became like every other individual for them.
9.I guess we won’t be able to take that trip
You are excited about your dream vacation for the last year, and it has not happened yet. I will tell you what’s the catch here! There is NO dream trip at all. YES! Your Covert Narcissistic partner used it to control your actions and behaviour towards them. Whenever you start any genuine discussion with them, and it leads to a heated argument, they threaten to cancel that trip to give you a shut-up call and guess what? They succeed. Poor you!
10.Go ahead, do whatever you like and then see what I do!
When I was in my undergrad, I had a close friend who possessed pure narcissistic traits. I fought with her, so I stopped talking and told her I would cut off my ties. She threatened to expose my secrets if I dared to break the friendship. The worst things covert narcissists in an argument to back you off is to threaten you with any danger so that you don’t leave them or apologise to them.
11.Don’t you dare project your feelings on me!
When a Covert Narcissist feels like he is getting trapped in an argument and has got nothing to save him, he will turn the tables by using tactical words. He accuses you of everything that you say to him. They start tossing the allegations back and forth instead of resolving the issue. They play their very famous victim card and throw all the blames at you than admitting that they are the real culprit.
12.Why do you always have to win an argument?
Another category of ridiculous things covert narcissists say in an argument is that they make you feel that you always want to win an argument even if you are wrong. However, this is what they do! It is the easiest way to end an argument and make you feel guilty, and the situation makes you feel like you are doing him an injustice and opposing him.
13.If you don’t do this, I won’t do that!
Even when you react to his actions, you are the bad guy. No matter how lame an argument is, and still you try to tell him that he is wrong, he justifies it by blaming it on your behaviour. For instance, you must attend a friend’s wedding; he promises to take you there only if you end the previous fight and surrender to him. Almost every Covert Narcissist that I have come across they are very cunning and sharp! It’s hardest even to convince them that they need therapy. Let alone tell them that they have a personality disorder!
How to tackle an argument with a Covert Narcissist?
The above-mentioned things covert narcissists say in an argument are much less. If I start writing them all down, it will take me days! Anyways, let me brief you on how to deal with a Covert Narcissist if you are stuck in such a situation.
First and foremost, leave all the emotion out of the conversation. Covert Narcissists thrive on your emotional vulnerability and sensitivity. Therefore, your body language should be stiff and straightforward. You can vent out, jog, or meditate later to calm your nerves. Please do whatever you can but don’t give in to their narrative.
It is tough to reason with a Covert Narcissist as they can go to any lengths to prove themselves right and make you agree with them at any cost. They lack empathy and are unable to acknowledge your feelings. Hence, you have to stop being a lovely normal human being. Forget that you have a moral compass and good values, and don’t even show empathy because a Covert Narcissist doesn’t deserve your kindness. It’s called a counter intuitive approach.
I suggest my clients keep the conversation short and to the point to shut down a Covert Narcissist. Go cold turkey as much as possible. If you prolong the conversation or try to explain why you did what you did, a Covert Narcissist will bend and twist your words and throw them right at your face.
Finally, show a narcissist that you don’t care at all and you don’t give a damn about them. It will do wonders! There are many bitter things covert narcissists say in an argument, but you can shut them down once and for all by making them feel like they are not essential to you anymore.