“The most dangerous voices are not the ones that scream — but the ones that whisper doubt into your sense of self.”
When Words Are Used As Weapons
I am a Resident Psychiatrist, and I am also someone who has survived narcissistic abuse.
Those two identities coexist in me not as contradictions, but as deeply intertwined truths.
During my training, I have seen how Covert Narcissism does not arrive loudly. It does not slam doors or throw punches. Instead, it creeps in silently through tone, implication, and sentences that feel harmless on the surface yet hollow you out from within.
As far as my personal life is concerned, I learned the hard way how arguments with a Covert Narcissist don’t feel like disagreements-they feel like a slow psychological erosion.
Today, I am writing from the deepest core of my heart, drawing on lived experience, clinical insight, and the aching clarity that comes after years of self-doubt. I intend to name and expose the Weird Things Covert Narcissists Say during arguments-statements designed not to resolve conflict, but to make you feel small, defective, and emotionally unstable, while they remain blameless.
If you have ever walked away from an argument feeling confused, guilty, or strangely ashamed-even when you hadn’t done anything wrong- this piece of work is dedicated to you.
Understanding Covert Narcissism: Quiet, Calculated, & Devastating
As opposed to Grandiose Narcissists, Covert Narcissists often appear:
- Humble
- Sensitive
- Introspective
- Victimized
But beneath that surface lies a fragile ego that can never tolerate being held accountable.
In arguments, they don’t attack directly. Instead, they destabilize.
They rely on:
- Moral posturing
- Intellectual superiority
- Emotional invalidation
- Passive-aggressive manipulation
Their words are explosive, but they are precision strikes.
Weird Things Covert Narcissists Say That Slowly Poison You
1. “I guess I am just a terrible person then”.
Apparently, this statement is self-critical, but is it, though? It is not genuine remorse.
It is emotional hijacking.
The Covert Narcissist shifts focus from your pain to their wounded ego. Suddenly, you are no longer expressing your concern; you are now responsible for comforting them.
You entered the argument seeking understanding.
You exit it providing emotional care.
This is not accountability.
It is emotional manipulation disguised as vulnerability.
2. “I was just being honest. You are just overreacting”.
As a Resident Psychiatrist, I can tell you:
This is textbook emotional invalidation.
The implication is clear-the problem is not what they said, but your emotional response to it.
Over time, this phrase trains your mind to:
- Minimize your pain.
- Distrust your feelings.
- Accept emotional harm as “truth”.
Honesty without empathy is not honesty.
It is cruelty with a moral badge.
3. “I never said that. You must be remembering it wrong”.
This is gaslighting-calm, subtle, yet devastating.
You begin to doubt:
- Your sanity
- Your memory
- Your perception
During psychotherapy sessions, I have seen brilliant, emotionally intelligent individuals crumble under the weight of repeated gaslighting.
When someone consistently questions your reality,
You eventually stop trusting your own mind.
That is not a communication problem.
That is pure psychological abuse.
For deeper reading on gaslighting dynamics, the American Psychological Association provides an excellent overview.
4. “Everyone else agrees with what I say.”
This sentence literally isolates you.
Whether true or not, it creates the illusion that:
- You are alone
- You are unreasonable
- You are the common denominator
In reality, Covert Narcissists often curate narratives, selectively sharing information to appear justified.
The goal is not the truth.
The goal is power through isolation.
5. “After everything that I have done for you”.
This statement is extremely toxic because it converts kindness into currency.
It implies that love, care, or support were freely given, but conditional, and now weaponized.
As someone who has lived this, I can say this with certainty:
Love that keeps score is not love.
It is control disguised as generosity.
6. “You always do this.”/ “You never change”.
Absolutist language suffocates the space to reason.
There is no room for growth, nuance, or context-only a fixed narrative where you are the problem.
Clinically, this reinforces:
- Chronic self-blame
- EMotional paralysis
- Learned helplessness
You stop trying to explain because you are already convicted.
7. “I am sorry you feel that way”.
Believe me, this is not an apology.
It is an emotional deflection.
The Covert Narcissist avoids acknowledging harm while appearing polite and mature. The responsibility subtly shifts back onto you-your feelings, your interpretation, your weakness.
Sincere apologies contain:
- Ownership
- Empathy
- Change
This sentence is just a formality without any genuine emotion attached.
8. “You are overthinking”/”You are imagining things”.
Statements like this one cut deep.
It doesn’t just attack your intellect but also your feelings.
As a psychiatrist, I have watched survivors internalize this narrative until they fear their own thoughts.
When your mind becomes the enemy,
Silence feels safer than truth.
A Psychological Lens: Why These Words Hurt So Much?
From a clinical perspective, Covert Narcissist language works because it targets core human needs:
- Safety
- Validation
- Belonging
- Self-trust
Repeated exposure leads to:
- Trauma bonding
- Erosion of self-esteem
- Emotional dependence
The nervous system remains in a state of quiet hypervigilance-always bracing, always second-guessing.
If you want an in-depth exploration of narcissistic abuse dynamics, I recommend this evidence-based resource on PsychologyToday.
The Moment I Realized It Wasn’t Me
There was a moment-both personally and professionally, when clarity arrived.
I noticed that no matter how gently I spoke, how carefully I chose my words, or how much I reflected, the outcome was just the same:
I felt belittled and humiliated.
That realization was painful. However, it was also liberating.
Healthy arguments don’t make you feel worse about yourself or make you question your sanity. They may be uncomfortable, but they do not dismantle your sense of self.
Reclaiming Your Voice After Narcissistic Abuse
Healing begins when you:
- Call out the manipulation.
- Start trusting your perceptions again.
- Stop arguing for your peace of mind and humanity.
You do not need better words.
You need safer spaces.
If you resonate with content that validates emotional health, recovery, and personal growth, you may find supportive material at Youth Table Talk.
Let me share a real-life scenario of Narcissistic Abuse with you.
“I Exit Every Argument Feeling Smaller Than Ever”
A 32-year-old woman came to my OPD with complaints of persistent self-doubt, emotional burnout, and a vague sense of “losing herself”. She didn’t give an account of overt abuse. There were no raised voices, physical abuse, threats, or visible trauma.
What she described instead were verbal altercations that left her confused.
She told me, “Every time we fight, I walk away apologizing, I fail to figure out my fault”.
During one recent disagreement, she had expressed feeling neglected. Her partner responded calmly, almost kindly: “I guess I am just not good enough for you. I try so hard, but nothing is ever enough”.
She immediately felt guilt-sharp and consuming. The conversation ended with her reassuring him, silencing her own desires.
In another argument, when she recalled a hurtful remark he had made, he appeared genuinely puzzled and said,” I never said that. You tend to twist scenarios when you are emotional”.
By the time she reached my outpatient department, she was questioning her memory, her emotional stability, and even her intelligence. She repeatedly asked me, “Doctor, do you think I am overreacting or exaggerating things?”
From a psychological point of view, what stood out was not psychosis or cognitive distortion-it was chronic emotional invalidation. Her affect was anxious, her self-esteem lost, her insight intact but fragile. There were no signs of personality pathology in her; the pathology lived in the relationship dynamic.
What she was experiencing was not “relationship conflict”. It was Covert Narcissistic communication-subtle, deniable, and profoundly destabilizing.
By the end of our session, when I gently named this pattern, she exhaled and said something which is not uncommon for me:
“So it wasn’t all in my head.”
The moment when reality is restored is often the first step towards healing.
You Were Never Too Much-They Just Needed You Small
Let me say this clearly-both as a psychiatrist and as a survivor:
You were not too sensitive
You were not overreacting
You were responding normally to abnormal emotional dynamics.
The Weird Things Covert Narcissists Say are not accidental slips-they are carefully learned survival strategies of fragile egos.
And the fact that you questioned yourself?
That means you still had empathy.
Healing begins when you stop asking,
“Why am I like this?”
and start asking,
“Why was I taught to doubt myself?”
You are not broken.
You are waking up.
FAQs
1. Why do Covert Narcissists avoid confrontation?
Because confrontation threatens their fragile self-image. Subtle manipulation allows them to retain control without appearing aggressive.
2. Can Covert Narcissists change with therapy?
Change is possible only if there is genuine insight and accountability.
3. Why do I feel addicted to arguing with them?
This is often due to trauma bonding, where intermittent validation keeps the nervous system emotionally hooked.
4. Are Covert Narcissists aware of what they are doing?
Some people consciously manipulate; others operate through deeply ingrained defense mechanisms.
5. How do I protect myself during arguments?
Limit emotional engagement, avoid over-explaining, and prioritize boundaries over persuasion.
References
- American Psychiatric Association – Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Psychology Today – Understanding Narcissistic Abuse
- APA – Gaslighting and Psychological Manipulation
Dr. Talia Siddiq is a resident psychiatrist in training at Dr. Ruth K.M. Pfau Civil Hospital Karachi, deeply passionate about understanding the human mind and helping people find healing. Beyond her clinical work, she is also a writer who believes that mental health conversations should be easy, relatable, and stigma-free.
She started writing in 2020, turning her reflections and experiences into articles that speak to the struggles many young people silently face—whether it’s self-harm, addictions, relationships, or simply finding direction in life. Over time, her writing has expanded into areas like career guidance and financial independence, because she strongly believes that resilience isn’t just about surviving emotionally—it’s about building a meaningful, balanced life.
For Talia, YouthTableTalk is more than a blog. It’s a safe corner on the internet where young people can pause, reflect, and feel understood. Her goal is not to lecture but to have a conversation—just like a friend who listens, shares, and gently guides you toward growth.
When she isn’t studying psychiatry or writing, you’ll often find her reading, exploring self-growth books, or cooking something new for her family. She brings the same curiosity and compassion to her personal life that she does to her work: always seeking better ways to connect, learn, and inspire.
Through YouthTableTalk, she hopes to remind every reader of one simple truth: you’re not alone, and your story matters.
