A Psychiatrist’s Reflection On Silent Wounds That Echo Into Adulthood
As a Resident Psychiatrist, I have sat across from countless teenagers and young children trying to explain a pain that feels invisible. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, I have lived that pain. This pain does not shout; it whispers. It camouflages itself as concern, sacrifice, and love. And it often arrives wrapped in sentences that sound harmless, but leave lifelong scars.
My work today is about weird things Covert Narcissists say to their adult children — phrases that confuse, infantilize, and quietly shatter identity. I write this not just with clinical knowledge, but with lived and felt experience. If you recognize yourself here, I want you to know this:
“The deepest wounds are often inflicted by words that were never meant to sound cruel.”
Why Does Covert Narcissistic Parenting Feel So Hard To Name?
The thing about Covert Narcissism is that it is subtle. Unlike Overt Narcissists, Covert Narcissistic parents rarely appear abusive to outsiders. They are self-sacrificing, emotionally fragile, and perpetually misunderstood. Yet their adult children often grow up hyper-vigilant, guilt-ridden, and unsure of who they are.
From a psychological standpoint, Covert Narcissistic parenting disrupts secure attachment and replaces it with emotional role reversal — where the child exists to regulate the parent’s emotions. This pattern persists well into adulthood, communicated through language that sounds “concerned” but functions as control.
If you desire to build a foundational understanding of narcissistic personality dynamics, the Mayo Clinic’s overview of Narcissistic Personality Disorder offers a solid framework.
“After everything I have done for you…”
This is one of the most common weird things Covert Narcissists say, and one of the most detrimental.
On the superficial level, it sounds like gratitude seeking.
Psychologically, it is emotional debt enforcement. Love becomes transactional. Your ability to make decisions independently is often considered a betrayal.
As a Resident Psychiatrist, I recognize this as pathological guilt induction — a tactic that keeps adult children emotionally tethered, afraid to break free from the chains of parental control.
“Gratitude is healthy. Indebtedness is not.”
Adult children raised on this phrase often struggle with:
- Chronic guilt when setting boundaries.
- Over-functioning in relationships.
- A fear that independence equals selfishness.
“You are too sensitive. I was just kidding.”
This sentence erodes reality itself.
Clinically, this is gaslighting, a form of emotional invalidation that causes individuals to distrust their perceptions. With the passage of time, adult children stop reacting — not because they are not hurt, but because they no longer trust their intuition.
From my own experience, this phrase teaches a devastating lesson: my pain is inconvenient.
“When your feelings are dismissed long enough, you learn to disappear from yourself.”
For a deeper insight into the psychological explanation of gaslighting and its mental health consequences, the article on Psychology Today is particularly helpful.
“No one can ever love you as I do.”
Believe me, this is not love. This is emotional captivity.
This phrase isolates adult children from other attachments by positioning the parent as irreplaceable. Clinically, it fosters toxic dependency and attachment anxiety, often presenting later as fear of abandonment or tolerating unhealthy romantic relationships.
As both clinician and survivor, I have seen how this sentence creates:
- Fear of intimacy.
- Difficulty trusting partners.
- Loyalty conflicts long after leaving home.
“Love that isolates is not protection — it is possession.”
“I guess I am just a terrible parent then.”
This is Covert Narcissism at its most sophisticated.
Here, accountability is avoided through self-victimization. The adult child is subtly forced into emotional caretaking — comforting the very person who caused the actual damage.
In psychotherapy, many adult children tell me they feel “cruel” for addressing past wounds. This statement trains them to prioritize the parents’ feelings over their own healing.
At Youth Table Talk, we explore these relationship dynamics compassionately, especially within family systems and intergenerational trauma.
Why Are You Bringing Up The Past?
This question i not about time. It is about control over narrative.
Trauma does not obey timelines. From a psychiatric perspective, unresolved childhood emotional trauma often resurfaces during adult developmental milestones, including marriage, parenthood, professional life, or even therapy.
When Covert Narcissistic parents dismiss the past, they deny the adult child’s right to contextualize pain.
“Healing requires remembering — not to punish, but to understand.”
The Long-Term Psychological Impact On Adult Children
Adult children raised on weird things Covert Narcissists say, often present with:
- Chronic self-doubt.
- Difficulty identifying own needs.
- Emotional suppression marked as “strength”.
- Complex PTSD traits.
Many function exceptionally well — professionally, personally, and academically. Yet, feel emotionally empty. They learned early that achievement was safer than authenticity.
As someone who has lived this dual reality, I want to say this clearly: your symptoms are not flaws. They are adaptations.
Healing Is Not Loud — It Is Reorienting
Healing from Covert Narcissistic parenting rarely looks dramatic. There is no single confrontation that sets you free, no moment where everything suddenly makes sense. Instead, healing unfolds quietly — in the pauses where you no longer rush to explain yourself, in the evenings where your nervous system finally rests.
As a Resident Psychiatrist, I understand healing as neuropsychological reorientation: teaching the brain that safety no longer depends on compliance. As a survivor, I know how unfamiliar that safety can feel. Peace initially registers as emptiness. Calm feels suspicious.
“What once kept you safe will not always feel like what heals you.”
Healing does not erase the past.
It repositions you in the present, where your worth no longer needs permission.
Reclaiming Your Inner Voice As An Adult Child
Healing begins when language loses its power to wound.
In clinical practice, recovery often involves:
- Relearning emotional trust.
- Naming manipulation without self-blame.
- Allowing grief for the parent you never had.
- Differentiating guilt from responsibility.
“You are not disloyal for choosing yourself. You are alive.”
Therapy, journaling, mindfulness, and trauma-informed education can be transformative. But most importantly, so is self-compassion.
A Personal Closing Word
I write this as a mental health professional who understands the science — and as a human who understands the silence.
If you grew up hearing weird things Covert Narcissists say, please know: clarity is not cruelty. Distance is not betrayal. Healing does not require permission.
“You were never too sensitive. You were perceptive in an environment that demanded blindness.”
Your story deserves language that honors it. And your future deserves freedom.
FAQs
1. Can Covert Narcissistic parents love their children?
They can feel attachment, but their love is often conditional and centered around their own emotional needs.
2. Why do adult children feel guilty setting boundaries?
Because guilt was used as a control mechanism throughout childhood.
3. Is going low-contact or no-contact a wise choice?
Not inherently. Mental health outcomes often improve drastically when chronic emotional harm is reduced.
4. Why does it hurt more as an adult than it did as a child?
Because adulthood brings awareness, language, and comparison — relieving what was missing.
5. Is it common to grieve a parent who is still alive?
Yes. Many adult children grieve the relationship they never had, not the person themselves. This is known clinically as ambiguous loss.
References
McBride, K. (2015). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Atria Books.
Dr. Talia Siddiq is a resident psychiatrist in training at Dr. Ruth K.M. Pfau Civil Hospital Karachi, deeply passionate about understanding the human mind and helping people find healing. Beyond her clinical work, she is also a writer who believes that mental health conversations should be easy, relatable, and stigma-free.
She started writing in 2020, turning her reflections and experiences into articles that speak to the struggles many young people silently face—whether it’s self-harm, addictions, relationships, or simply finding direction in life. Over time, her writing has expanded into areas like career guidance and financial independence, because she strongly believes that resilience isn’t just about surviving emotionally—it’s about building a meaningful, balanced life.
For Talia, YouthTableTalk is more than a blog. It’s a safe corner on the internet where young people can pause, reflect, and feel understood. Her goal is not to lecture but to have a conversation—just like a friend who listens, shares, and gently guides you toward growth.
When she isn’t studying psychiatry or writing, you’ll often find her reading, exploring self-growth books, or cooking something new for her family. She brings the same curiosity and compassion to her personal life that she does to her work: always seeking better ways to connect, learn, and inspire.
Through YouthTableTalk, she hopes to remind every reader of one simple truth: you’re not alone, and your story matters.
